i got my diploma in the mail today. actual all official, on thick paper, with a gold seal. the university of california bestows the degree of bachelor of science with a major of neurobiology, physiology and behavior on me with all the privileges and rights thereto pertaining.

crazy.

up til now i'd been harboring this secret fear that i was going to get a phone call or a letter from the regent's office saying 'just kidding!' and ordering me to take additional classes in mime or something before i got to graduate.

so i have a bonafide degree. crazy. and its in something all impressive sounding, with lots of -ologies. so i sound smart, too. crazy.

now of course i need something decent to frame it in. i remember looking at my friend steve's degree hanging on his wall. all impressive in this cherrywood frame, with a dark blue matting. made it look all important, like it should be hanging in a lawyer's office. and its something i have now.

crazy.

---

i keep thinking about where life is going right now. always before there was this set direction. i was definitely going all the way through high school. i was definitely going all the way through college. and now i have a job, and the way's not so certain anymore. i have no idea what i'll be doing after a year of this. i have no idea if i'll be able to make it into a decent doctoral program someday. i have no idea what i'll be doing after that. what happens if i don't get into a doctoral program? if i can't get that advanced degree? am i just going to keep bouncing from job to job for the rest of my life?

i guess i do want some sort of stability eventually. as much as i try to deny it. i'm already thinking ahead a year when i'll probably have to move out of this apartment; go somewhere else. repaint the walls, take everything down, move all the furniture again....

i don't know why i'm thinking about this now. its not for another year. but its going by fast already. i've already been here for a month. a whole month. and nope, no friends. i have no social life whatsoever. which doesn't bother me as much as it could, i suppose. although i do miss having people to do stuff with. people to call up and say 'hey, i heard about this haunted house in town, wanna hit it?', or ..something.

hopefully someone at work and i will hit it off. so i'll have a new friend. because dammit, i'm starting to talk to dan again. which i'm not all that enthusiastic about.

although he's invited me to a googoo dolls concert on november 8th. which i agreed to. i couldn't say no to a free ticket to the googoo dolls. just couldn't.

and there's always going to be alhc. i'll meet tons of people there. probably run into people from DC. i find it very sad that i've only been dancing once since i've been here. i guess its mainly because i've been so busy, and so tired when i get home. not able to stay up til 1 in the morning dancing.

i keep saying 'it'll be better when i'm situated'. but its been a month. still not situated; still not feeling comfortable here. i don't remember how long it took for me to feel comfortable when i first came to college; not long. not long at all, i'm sure. they practically throw you into being comfortable with all the parties and the get-to-know-you activities. all the fun. this is far harder.

i hope i'll get to the point where i feel at least a tad more comfortable. i hope the job at pf changs will help with that.

we'll see i guess.

but until then, i have an impressive looking piece of paper to hang on my wall.